To the Sick Bastard That Knew How Much The Entire Menu of Cracker Barrel Costs: An Open Letter


Hello Sir or Madam,

I hope this letter finds you well. I must admit that I do not know who you are, so for the sake of decorum, I will henceforth refer to you as Lyle.

Lyle, recently you posted some troubling statements across many social media platforms. In response to Apple’s soon-to-be-released iPhone X, which will retail for a staggering $999, you felt the need to drag America’s favorite eatery/knickknack provider into the fray, and for what?

First, I must be clear: this has nothing to do with a love or admiration of Apple products. I am a Siemens man, tried and true.

But let’s cut to the chase; you know what you did, Lyle. You took the name of Cracker Barrel in vain in order to alter your own social status, an attempt that I pray proves futile. Do you think this is would be a victimless action? Do you not see the rubble you leave in your wake? We God-fearing people who venerate the work of Doris, Pam, Chuck and the others at the Cracker Barrel off of I-75 and Archer now have to deal with the fallout of your thoughtless operation.


Is that all she’s worth to you, Lyle?

Before you brought this financial information to light, do you know what I would have said if someone were to ask me how much Cracker Barrel is worth? I would have said, “My life.” That’s what she is to me and, most troubling, I think that’s what she used to be forĀ you.

I’m not good at a lot of things, Lyle; I’m man enough to admit that. But one thing I am good at is reading people. And as I read your comment, remiss as it may have been, I heard the voice of someone that has similarly been bewitched by the Barrel’s apple butter. I do not doubt that what you did, you did with good intentions. But good intentions won’t bring her mystery back. Now she is just the cheap date. Let me explain. How would you feel if I created a post that had two statements that went thus:

  1. Cost of an overpriced prostitute- $500
  2. Cost of banging Lyle’s mom- the other half of my Twix

Do you see where I’m going with this, Lyle? Do you finally see? I pray that you do.

I do not mean to condemn you. The Lord knows that I have made mistakes, too. I just felt that it is important to let you know that there is a community of us “Crack Addicts” that don’t appreciate being used for the merriment of others. If you are ready to make amends and pay your reparations, I will be at the aforementioned Cracker Barrel two weeks from the day this letter is posted. I’ll make sure Doris keeps your mug warm.

A Concerned Crack Addict,


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